Twist and Shout - The Soap is Watching You

Television, of late, has become an instrument for transmission of so called 'entertainment', which, as the days go by, has become increasingly inane. This aforementioned noun has come to represent some of the most potent mentally damaging elements imaginable, all packed into a good-sized multiple-hour chunk of what little leisure time we have.

I have become so irritated with the programs these fools air, that I have stopped watching television, save for reruns of Numbers, Friends, and the occasional movie. Most of the shows are not only bad, but downright unwatchable; the rest are reruns. These shows are apparently aimed at the general public; the makers' excuse being that "this is what our consumers want", and they carry on making these pathetic excuses for serials and reality shows - and these programs are driving the average IQ down even further.

First, the infamous soaps. Let me speak of the good before the bad : Hum Log, Buniyaad, and even some others .. say Tara, Saans, Banegi Apni Baat and Kora Kaagaz were, on the whole, not as full of fæcal matter as expected. The rest ? Well..

The Indian soap opera is Stereotypical with a Capital S. It is full to the brim with plot holes, and the storyline is more unrealistic than that of most fiction/fantasy novels. As for the excuse .. " this is what the audience wants" ? Excuse my language; Bullshit. Every single person I know and respect dislikes these soaps. I know some who watch them, but they do so purely out of .. well - desperation (!) ; I quote , "There's nothing else to watch. I have nothing to do all afternoon - and the only thing on is this.".

What must be understood by these producers and directors is that there is a great dearth of quality programs of Indian television. What does one watch when one does not wish to watch Engineering the Impossible, or Lonely Planet, or a News channel (this last one shall be the subject of a future post, dattebayo) ?

The soaps of India are of a special variety - they contain stereotypical Indian housewives, for the most part (the audience they are aimed at ), and then, these housewives have adventures. Of what Kind, you ask ? Well, there is, of course, the silent battle between different females in a joint family to wrest control of the 'ghar ki chabi', which, apparently, is more sought after by these people than the Crown Jewels. There is, of course, luxury - 300 crores ? Pah ! That's nothing - make it 600, and we'll talk. This, of course, is aimed at the middle class families - targeted on their dreams of wealth. The serials give an entirely erroneous portrayal of the corporate world, with takeovers being performed on a word and a document, in a matter of minutes. The legal aspects are woefully handled, with the levels of sheer incompetence in plot research sinking to incomprehensible depths.

The dialogue is unnecessarily grandiose and filled with false melodrama, with the most pathetic music in the background - There are tribal music drum beats with people shouting chants from the Mahabharata (when the Good people in white, or at least light coloured sarees and Kurtas are successfully standing against the Bad people, who are usually richer, and wear dark colours). There are ghostly sounds, punctuated by cat screeches , and (pathetic) hip hop songs; there are even parts with full blown music from hindi films, usually at 'parties' (these may be identified by the presence of balloons and cake, regardless of occasion).

These serials can be identified from the following Irritating Characteristics -

1. Crying scenes - female protagonists will inevitably burst into tears at every available opportunity (and the scripts provide for plenty) and the Evil Female will stand and watch, with dramatic music adding to the loathsome mix.
2. The "Bees Saal Baad" feature; one can identify this occurrence by the sudden appearance of grays in hair, of otherwise unchanged characters, as well as the introduction of new young individuals, who are the children of the now older characters. This time shift is performed with an air of careless contempt, with children who were just born transforming into business tycoons, and others who were touching their teens becoming 20 somethings 'just out of college'.
3. The Face Off Trick - This plot twist has a person (The Good One, of course) be the unfortunate victim of some sort of mishap or the other,which results in amnesia, while the Bad One Has plastic surgery performed - which makes (usu.) her face look exactly like that of the unfortunate amnesiac (this includes differences in height, the voice, and even eye colour and defects ), and this Evil Person now goes on to wreak whatever havoc the script commands.
4. Massive attention to the quintessential 'Indian Family' ideals.
5. Money money money - If you hear a few hundred crores being carelessly shuffled, you're watching a soap.
6. The camera spin - The camera will spin wildly during many important scenes, with music, usually of the high octane melodramatic kind.
7. The never ending road - If you see episode 420 being aired, you're here.
8. Zero attention to current issues - if you see a show where the only thing people mention, even when using metaphors being the Mahabharata and other family members, The Soap is here. (never a mention of rural society, Aids, ie., general issues which ought to be of interest of every educated individual)
9. Aesthetics ? What's that ? Never heard of it. Does it have something to do with horses ?
10. General bull. You don't exactly need to know the finer points of baloney detection to get this.

Hm.. And I haven't even reached reality television yet. Oh well... I'll continue tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day.

Petrol costs less than bottled water in Venezuela.